Recently, while drifting in and out of a sports-radio induced comma, an advertisement for a course in sports management caught my ear. This really sparked my interest, so I called the 800 number to get more details. The cost was 6,000 dollars for the 90-day course. 90 freaking days! Christ, I'm not trying to learn about splitting atoms; I just wanna set up a few illiterate jocks with income for life.
Well, after a little phone work and using my clout as a world-class sports writer, I convinced them to give me a condensed course at a discounted price. So, after three weekends, and six precious cases of Schlitz malt liquor, I had my sports agent certificate.
Earlier this week, I negotiated my first NFL contract.
In a KAMR exclusive for my loyal readers, I am posting the transcript of this contract negotiation. This is a rare insider's peek at the high stakes deal making at the NFL bargaining table. Rest assured, you will only get this in the Katandmick report. The highly touted Jimandmary newsletter will not have it, nor will the overrated Wayneandtammy update. Nobody has it, but the KAMR.
With two exceptions, the transcript is printed verbatim. The NFL team will go unmentioned. And the names have been changed to insure anonymity because, as I learned in the aforementioned course, that's just the kind of thing us big league sports agents do.
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On a dank and gray morning in a large industrial city...
Inside team headquarters, at a marble table polished to a ridiculous luster, sits the negotiation team: the chief negotiator, the team's capologist, and our bartender. We'll call them Joey, Ted and Bridget respectively. As we begin, Bridget -- a tall, shapely, frosty blond with glasses is serving frosty cocktails in tall and shapely glasses
Joey Negotiator (JN): So, this player you're representing Is he any good?
S. Lyle (SL): Yes very good! One of the best defensive prospects to come along in many a years, I'd say.
JN: Gee, I don't know if I recall correctly, 212 pounds is a little light for a NFL nose tackle. I had a handy chart I use to look up technical stuff like this. It showed the typical player measurements for each position. It was in full color, and was even laminated. I had it right here on my desk, but it seems to be missing.
SL: Here, use mine.
JN: Hey, thanks! You're very helpful. I guess I was mistaken, I see on this here chart that 212 pounds is actually the ideal weight for a nose tackle. That would make him the prototypical nose tackle. Our coach says that's a good thing. And the name "Lucas McTackily". That is an excellent football name! How much are you asking?
SL: Well, I got a 4-year deal for 31 million with an 8 mil signing bonus. Right here, all typed up for you.
JN: Sorry, that's too high; I don't think that will fit under the salary cap. Let me ask Ted Ninedigits, he's our capologist. He's quite handy at adding up large numbers.
TN: Just give me a second (A few clicks on the calculator) Nope, won't fit under. The best we can do is 27mil with 6.5 bonus.
JN: How's that sound?
SL: Sure, that sounds about right, it'll cost me a couple of bucks to retype the contract thought...
JN: No worries! I just happen to have one right here, all typed up!
SL: You're one shrewd operator, Joe!
JN: Don't I know it! Let me get my fancy signing pen. It has the team logo on it. How long ya want to postdate this contract? -- When do we make this public? You know, so we can. Ahem "Hammer out a deal".
SL: How's six weeks sound? My client isn't 'specially fond of training camp.
JN: I can't blame him there! I'll tell the press that we are still a long ways apart, but we are making some progress. Now, where's my pen? I had it right here, next to that chart
SL: Here, use mine!
Bridget: Refills anyone?
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There you have it folks! A chilling, behind the scenes saga of big league negotiations! Brought to you exclusively by yours truly, S. Lyle OConnor, sports agent extraordinaire. If you would like to contact me, dial www.shawnoconnor@hotmail.com or just key up 173.76 zizga hertz on any sub hypertransnet exponder station
