An offbeat, offten imitated, off the wall, hell, sometimes off the floor, glimpse at the world of sports, as seen through the egocentric beer goggles of sports writer extraordinaire S. Lyle OConnor.
I would like to express my sincere condolences to the family of Irvin Favre for their great loss. He was a true original. Irvin will be greatly missed by all who knew him or listened to him via the radio airwaves. It looks to me like '0ld Hammerhead" as he was affectionately called, is now working in the coaches booth up the sky. Pulling a few strings, I'm thinking.
This monthly column is not published timely enough to effectively discuss sports on a game-by-game basis. But I'll comment on the final two games of the Packers 2003 season: I had a very proud heart during Monday nights Raider game. A very heavy heart through most of the Denver Broncos game. And I had a damn near stopped-dead heart as the Cardinals shocked the Vikings with 0.0 seconds remaining.
Speaking of such. Fans often write to me asking why my excellent feature isn't published on a more recurrent basis. To them I have but one question: Shut up!
As a better explanation, I thought I would show you, my readers, the immense amount of work that goes into publishing my fabulously entertaining Unsportsmanlike Comment feature. So today, I'll take you inside the Kat and Mick publishing empire for an in depth look at how this article ends up on your computer monitor.
Of course, it all starts in the underground lair deep below the squalid apartment of myself, S. Lyle OConnor. Once an article is conceived it is only a matter of minutes before it is finished, as I type at a blazing speed of over 900 words per minute. The laser printed transcript is then sent up to ground level by a pneumatic tube where two heavily armed guards stand 24/7 at the caverns entrance. Upon receiving the pneumatic canister, they quickly dispatch it via dog sled to the main gates of the KAMR facility. Because of a few unfortunate incidents involving stolen beer trucks, my armed guards are not allowed in the facility; in fact management has issued a standing order that they are to be shot on sight.
So at this point, all they can do is slide the article under the gate and quickly mush-mush away before anyone spots 'em.
Hopefully someone will notice my article before inclement weather arrives. Blowing it away, or soaking it with rain or snow. I'm tellin' ya, many a promising article dies a futile death at this juncture. With a little luck it'll get picked up and brought to the pressroom, where the fledging article begins it arduous journey to a computer monitor near you.
The folks at Kat and Mick Report are very much "old school" so they still publish the old fashioned way. The first step is to setup printing plates on a vintage Linoflex typesetter. The finished printing plates are delivered by motorized trolley to the Helidburg 5-color press, where after a lengthy make-ready, they run two copies of my article. The first copy is shredded for security purposes. The second copy is attached to the collar pouch of the KAMR mascot "Swanky the Wonder Squirrel" who delivers it to the art room to be photographed. After it's developed, the photo plate goes to a HP desktop scanner where it is scanned onto a floppy disk. Meanwhile the negative is inspected for errors. If any are found, the negative is archived. If no errors are found the negative is destroyed.
The afore mentioned disk is about to become sneakerware. For you non-nerds; that's a term describing a process where data is transferred to and from computers via removable media. In this situation, it would be more accurately called stiletto-heelware, as Tiffany, the shapely 2nd assistant to the assistant pressroom clerk walks it, with breathtaking shake and rattle into the editor's office where Mike or Kat will open the file and without delay, delete its contents.
After a short beer break, the IS department is called on to retrieve the deleted data off the hard drive of Kat and Mikes IBM PCjr computer. Once the file is retrieved, a hard copy is printed and a monoacrilic flame retardant is applied. Then it's sent to the on-site Underwriters Lab to be certified. If it passes the UL examination, the hard copy is transferred to the mailroom. In the mailroom, Ervin the head custodian, adds hand blended hops and checks for proper viscosity. He then waxes it, packs it, then faxes it to a third party vendor where a Kelly temp retypes it onto the "Unsportsmanlike Comment" webpage. It is at this point where punctuation is randomly modified and the bizarre phrasings and spellings that make my articles, well my articles get added. After it's retyped, the Kelly worker mouse-clicks a few buttons on a pirated webpage program and BANGO! There she be, in all her glory!!! My monthly UNSPORTSMANLIKE COMMENT article, ready to be read and enjoyed by all of earth's people across the World Wide Web.
By the way, if you're ever in the greater Oneida area and you would like to see this all first hand, feel free to stop in at the KAMR facilities for a tour. Don't be concerned about the hour; as far as Kat and Mick are concerned, it's a 24/7 operation! And after the tour, be sure to stop at the on-sight spa where your every whim will be satisfied by the congenial staff. And by the way, I'm talking about every whim! Hell, even some whims you never suspected you had. -Or whims you never suspected you were even capable of having. 'Nuff said bout that. And while your there, be sure and tell 'em S. Lyle OConnor sent ya. He's a sports writer extraordinaire, don't ya know.
