SportsNovember03

Ain't nobody Sharper

In other news If you were paying attention during the players self-introductions on Monday nights' Packer/Bear game, you heard the Packers strong safety present himself as Darren "ain't nobody" Sharper. I thought it was cute. A bit boastful, perhaps, but cute nonetheless. But now I hear a lot of gripe about it on local sports radio. Jeepers! I feel for the radio guys, they're on the air, hours on end talking about sports. And "sports" in Green Bay is the Packers. And there really isn't all that much to talk about. Is Bret gonna retire? Answer: Who knows? Will this or that draft pick ever pan out? Answer: It all depends... Is Tom Rossely ever gonna call a good game? Answer: Looks doubtful. Ok there's 3 major topics covered, and that took about 60 seconds. What ya wanna talk about for the other 119 minutes? Okay, so let's go to the phones and pick up some wisdom from the callers: Bubba: "On that incomplete pass Bret threw in the third quarter, how come they passed, when they should have run the ball?" Then, the next caller Buford: "On that one play where Henderson was stuffed at the line, how come they ran it when they should have passed?" On and on it goes, day after day. Sounds like a hard job to me, hell it's hard enough for me to write my monthly column every 6 or 7 weeks, I can't imagine having to talk about "sports" (read: Packers!) 3 hours every day. Damn, that's tough duty!

Also, because players are coached to be ultra cautious when talking to the media, it's very difficult to obtain talk-worthy material. The ultimate objective is to say nothing, but that flies in the face of NFL policies, and well, is just plain rude! So what the players (and coaches) will do, is say nothing, but while there've saying nothing, they simultaneously have words coming out of their mouths. It's a neat trick. Consider, for example, the following diatribe. "We're going to just go out and give our best effort, because they are a fine team and we need to take it one game at a time, and try to come away with a victory because each and every game is important". There! Do you feel enlightened?

On the condition of anonymity, a source nestled deep within the Green Bay Packer hierarchy disclosed that the Packer Hall of Fame landmark "The Receiver" is NOT a single statue. "The Receiver" has a little-known teammate "The Passer"! They were made as a pair. Like his teammate, he's on the lanky side, a 13-foot tall quarterback wearing the single digit "8" on his uniform, frozen in a classic pose, having just fired off a pass."

My source went on: "If you carefully look at the position of the ball floating a few millimeters from "The Receiver's" outstretched hands one can determine the angle of drop and trajectory. Using basic trigonometry to plot the path of the ball will show the source of the pass to be about 115 yards away." From one deep end zone to the other deep end zone. That's one hell of a pass, even for a Bret Favre! But it's a mere shuffle pass for the mammoth 13-foot quaterbacks NFL visionaries predicted would soon become the norm. Sure, it's laughable now, but such were the claims made by vendors of pharmaceutical "supplements" that was in vogue back in the 80's My source continued: "The problem was that 115 yards would place the quarterback off the GBPHoF property, smack dab in the center of Oneida street, as it were! It was suggested by some to take 30 yards off the pass, shorten the playing field, so to speak. However, Hall of Fame management wisely decided against it, maintaining that the knowledgeable Green Bay fans would easily spot this inaccuracy." I agree! A true Packer fan can spot a 115-yard pass when he or she sees one. Hell, even in a snowstorm thru heavy beer goggles and with a crusty layer of Fort Howard fog!

This administrative oversight was a source of great embarrassment, and with the team already steeped in a quagmire of mediocrity, it was decided to save face and put "The Passer" on ice. Thus the statue was dismantled and put into storage. Unconfirmed reports attest that at present, "he" is stored in a locked room in Bob Harlem's basement.

Well, once in a blue moon, you'll get a player who breaks the rules and says something genuine. Great, now you have something to talk about! Like Darren Sharper's little comment. What I can't fathom is the viciousness in which the talk radio crowd is attacking him. They are like, outraged! They should be thankful! You'd think Darren "ain't nobody" Sharper said something obscene or tore up a picture of the Pope! Most of this talk plays heavy with implications that Darren is a "me" type of player. This just isn't true. Sure, he enjoys the limelight, and likes to showboat a little. So what? He's a playing a game in front of millions of people! What is he supposed to be? Shy?

I'll admit that in some cases, players with extroverted personalities that are similar to Mr Sharpers can be detrimental to a team. Take Terrell Owens or Randy Moss for examples of "me" players that will glorify themselves at their team's expense. But that just doesn't apply in this case. Darren is a close personal friend of mine, and I can assure you that his #1 interest is in the team. But, he's also an individual who places a high value on personal achievement. But to him, personal glory is secondary to winning the ball game, and that's what it's all about. Hell, give me a whole team of Darren "ain't nobody" Sharpers. No problem at all, it'll make for very impressive media coverage on Super Bowl week! So, don't take his braggadocio* the wrong way, he is not a "me" player. And besides, it's not about Darren Sharper! Not even close. It's about me! So all you media pundits can get a clue already Shut up about Darren and start talking about me, S. Lyle OConnor, sports writer extraordinaire!

*For those not as international as I, that means cockiness. I think.